Monday, July 30, 2012

The Cult of Organic

Sample from Ehaema. For more information, please contact the author

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"Oh totally!  So I got this stuff the other day, check it out," Kalli replied, tossing the errant legs aside, dashing into the kitchen, and returning with ziplocked packages for Alex to examine before passing around.

"Organic Turkey Bologna and Organic American Cheese, huh?"  

"Are you part of the cult of Organic now?" asked Drew.  

"All the food is organics!  That’s why we eat it, motherfuckerrrrrrrrrr!"  chimed in Vanya, raising a fist to the air before letting it fall back into the beanbag chair he’d melted into.

"Listen to the ingredients.  'No antibiotics used (Turkey never administered antibiotics or animal by-products. Vegetarian grain-fed). Not preserved. No nitrites or nitrates added (Except for those naturally occurring in sea salt). Humanely raised (Turkey raised on sustainable family farms in a stress-free environment that promotes natural behavior and socialization). Gluten & casein free. Inspected for wholesomeness by US Department of Agriculture. Fully cooked. We're anti-antibiotics.'"

"This describes the Cult of Organic in a nutshell,” laughed Jenny.  “A fucking hundred word essay to explain how turkeys are basically shoved into a tube and excreted as paste to be bound into stomach-casing tubes for us to bite into, in as humane, friendly, and poetic a manner as possible."

"They're vegetarian turkeys!" beamed Alex.

"They make your heart happy," added Kalli.

"Seems like it would actually make more sense to chow down on the carnivorous turkeys out there,” mumbled Vanya after a moment’s thought.  “Head off that threat before it begins, you know what I'm saying?"  

“Deadly turkeys!”

“Fear the turkocalypse!”  

“One day we’ll discover that they can use tools, and then it’ll be too late.  They’ll gobble us to death, one by one, and stuff us for Thanksgiving dinner.”

“My bologna has a first name, it’s GOBBLE GOBBLE MOTHERFUCKER!”  

“It’s the circle of life.  We all consume.”

“Who’s gonna help me beat this boss?”

“Drew, you’re up.”

“I can’t fight without beer!”

The clarity of the pictured room dissolved, taking with it laughter and light, and Kris was once more alone in the dark.  

2 comments:

Gabriel said...

“Fear the turkocalypse!”
hahaha this was hilarious.

Eidolon said...

These kids are always the most fun to write.